La Vida Wanker

La Vida Wanker

Monday, August 30, 2010

Important Pre-Post Race Updates

Junior Racing

Pro Wanker has its sight set on big things—sponsoring teams, hosting races, running wanking clinics... Essentially, making the world a much more wankable place. In that vein, it looks like Pro Wanker will be sponsoring a weekend of junior racing this coming summer. What does this mean? Well, a BIG PRIZE-LIST ($1000+) for an omnium of junior racing and, I pray god, huge fields. Yeah, top down economics are a sham, but in honor of Ronald Reagan and the Dixon Crit, I’ll give it a shot. Wanna help? Drop me a line.

Pro Wanker p/b Project 69 Kits
The moment you’ve all been eagerly awaiting: I am taking preliminary orders on the 2010/2011 Team Pro Wanker p/b Project 69 Racing team kits. As you know, the 2009/2010 kits were a huge success. Many races won, bystanders shocked (no pun intended), and friends made under the Pro Wanker banner. For 2010, look
for the classic pink and white 69 booties to make a return. In a break from the past, the kits will be classy and clean. Minimal wankage, tons of pink style. Don’t believe me, just ask my V-neck loving Aussie friends. For those of you without any faith in a kid who wears nothing but cycling Ts, the design will be posted in the coming two weeks. For now, shoot me an email or FB PM if you’re interested. I don’t need to know how much you are buying. That comes later. For now, just let me know if you would be interested in making a purchase. And spread the word! Each purchase either A) makes me richer B) Helps junior racing.

(In the past, these were sold with no intention of making a profit. This year, all money collected will go toward junior racing, not my pocketbook.)

Diet Update

In the wild, animals forage for food. Squirrels dart about collecting nuts, hiding them away for times of future famine. In the kitchen, I too make my rounds. When all are asleep, I descend the stairs and make my way to the pantry. Silently opening the door and inserting my hand, I search for food. Popcorn is a usual target, but the white crackly crumbs tend to reveal my presence. Pretzels are nice, but not my favorite nighttime food. Generally, I favor candy.

To my dismay, I was thwarted this weekend. As I crammed my arm onto the shelf that generally holds the nuts, my fingers were delighted to find hard, round, little candies. The bag that held the treasures certainly felt promising—it had the distinct crinkling crackle of a m&m package. As I withdrew my fist filled of candy, I was surprised. The orbs were spherical and larger than usual. In a moment of hysteria, I imagined them each to be little peanut m&ms. Greedily, I thrusted the fistful into my mouth and began to masticate. Soon enough, a terrible horror betrayed itself. These were no peanut m&ms. These were pretzel m&ms. Perhaps, dipped in chocolate peanut butter these so called candies may regain their flavor. But consumed as packaged, they are no more than dry, disappointing rat droppings


As you may know, I love TTs. Rather than the infamous Watts/KJ predicting performance, the much more generous (to the aerodynamically obsessed but obese) Watts/m^2 predicts performance. Riders who obsess over this number—a number most are blissfully unaware of—are my favorite fellows. One such cyclist is Kent Bostick. I don’t know much about this guy. I hear he was a huge wanker back in the day. But this pic is all the proof I need. Not only is this former national tt champ riding an aero or die setup, but he’s on a Hooker TT bike with mismatched wheels. Yes, the men who made my front brake actually made an entire bike. (A darn fast one, too!) If I could find this bike, I would buy it, race it, and die a happy man. If I could find this man, I would marry him in whichever state allowed such an unholy union.


  1. Scott, Bostick is alive, well and still kicking butt on the road, in crits, TTs and the track too......riding for Amgen Masters

  2. Happy to help organize weekend of Jr. racing. Specialty: Registration. Contact me through James.

  3. Mrs. Bird—will do!

    Anonymous—please don't tell me your name. Let me pretend you're the man himself. But if you happen to be his local teammate Doughty, would you join my 4-man team? Pretty please?