La Vida Wanker

La Vida Wanker

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Crash and Burn


Something rather white and sticky covers my sheets. It first oozes and then dries into a hard, crusty sap with a slight tackiness and odor. Every night, it magically appears, and every morning my sheets must be cleaned.

To make matters worse, it sticks to my body making me feel all scaly. There is no escaping the white sticky sap—no matter what I do.

To the uninformed, it may sound as if I’m attempting (poorly) to make some raunchy joke. And maybe I am, to
an extent.

But I’m actually talking about something far more disgusting and taboo than white sticky stuff. I’m talking about road rash.

Road rash—like the death tax for every uber wealthy family—is something all racers must endure, but that every racer wishes to avoid.

First off, it’s crazy painful. Imagine your skin suddenly became as inflexible as peanut brittle and that every time you moved the peanut brittle broke. And every broken piece of peanut brittle was food you were forbidden to eat that sent George Washington Carver rolling over in his grave. In essence, the pain can be immobilizing—mentally and physically.

Secondly, the bandages are crazy expensive and impossible to apply. No matter what you do, they end up fusing to your skin—leaving you forced to pull off gauze scabs until you faint.

Once you realize the expensive shit sucks, you end up attaching saran wrap to your arms with duct tape. Everything looks ok for a day, but then the wound fills with fluid, your arm become infected, gangrene spreads, and you die. (Spoken from experience.)

Honestly, there is no good way of dealing with road rash. Between the pain, cost, and white sticky residue, I just plain hate crashing.

But it might not have to be this way. Already, there is clothing sewn with Kevlar that can stop shrapnel and gunshots.

At Pro Wanker Industries, we reckon that if Kevlar can stop a bullet, it can handle some asphat. So I say it's about time we weave some damn Kevlar into our spandex shorts.

White stuff be damned. (And it's not like the Steinbrenner's estate is getting taxed.)


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