La Vida Wanker

La Vida Wanker

Friday, July 2, 2010

Le Tour de Dopage, a Preview

Note: This post is writ for your amusement. So any accusations of doping are simply 1) For you to laugh at 2) A matter of you misreading the text. I do not want to get blocked from Lance's Twitter feed. (Note to self: Do not piss Lance off.) So keep it classy and remember—Guilty until proven innocent is for Europe, not America.

The biggest pharmaceutical show on Earth is set to start tomorrow. And already, things are heating up. The Wall Street Journal—owned by Rupert Murdoch, who also owns SKY—has published an article rehashing Landis’ accusations that Lance doped en route to his Tour victories. Never one to be excluded from the finger pointing, Greg Lemond predicts on his Cyclingnews blog that Lance will either not start the Tour or will pull out before the race enters France.

In other news:

1) Greg Lemond is a fool. He is also the biggest whining wanker I’ve ever noticed. In a recent blog post, he writes that doping cleary began in 1991/1992 because people started beating him. Since nobody can beat Lemond, the competition must be doping. Solid logic, Lemond—it’s not like getting older ever slowed anyone down. I mean, look how much faster Lance is now since coming back from retirement.

2) Contador is terribly annoying. Bert, you’re probably a doper; you were implicated in Puerto. And you don't have to show us the Pistolero after every victory. We clearly already know you're a wanker. Moreover, I can’t wait until Cancellara and Lance rape your Spanish ass on the pave. Enjoy being able to control your bowel likely won’t last for long.

3) Evans, you’re as dumb as they come. Either start doping or get on a good team. It’s not that complicated, man.

4) Di Luca, I miss your doping ass. You had style and panache. Plus, unlike Floyd, you didn’t rat others out. You were a quality doper. I wish the rest of the peloton were like you.

5) Ullrich, come back. You were such a wanker—losing the Tour to eat more German red meat and drink more beer. We all miss you.

6) Robbie McEwen, it's been a good run, but it's time to retire already. Heck, you're about as old as Lance. Win a stage and call it wraps.


  1. Scott, remember your ways to get around getting caught for doping? "If you start young they'll never catch you! Your irregular biological passport won't be irregular!"

  2. Scott, this is awesome!