La Vida Wanker

La Vida Wanker

Thursday, July 29, 2010

I'm Stranded and I'm Sorry

Lance may not regret his comeback 2.0 after PharmaShack won the prestigious team gc award, but Neville Chamberlain probably would like to forget “peace for our time,” the Trib likely wants to skip over “Dewey Defeats Truman,” and you probably regret missing the classes in which the latter two examples were taught.

Regardless of your cultural and historical illiteracy, regrets are a reality. (It’s always a good idea to belittle your audience. The only thing more pathetic than a blogger is his readers, duh!)

Thankfully, I have only three cycling related regrets:

1) That my diet always starts tomorrow rather than today
2) That I essentially raced TTs exclusively for the first years of my “career”
3) That I quit track racing after only two years

The first two regrets are fairly simple to understand. My diet staring tomorrow means I’m fat today. For some reason, I never start my diet today because that means I’ll be carb depleted for a race, training ride, nap or meal.

I guess I never considered the fact that I should have plenty of fat to burn before I die of starvation...

My TT regret isn’t really a regret, but they taught us to always put things in pairs of three. Haha, pairs of three.

So that leaves the track regret. Why would anyone miss track racing? How can going around in circles for brief two minute spurts be fun? What is so alluring about riding without brakes or shifting? Is it really that fun being an inch away from hipsterdom?

I really don’t know the answer to the above, but track racing is a blast. This Tuesday, I accompanied Kaleb and the IsCorp squad to the Bob Pfarr 150 lap classic in Kenosha.

This Bob guy was apparently a fast mofo. Anyway, there is now a race in his memory and Chad Hartley came out to win it. (Look, I made the newspaper—a medium utterly outdated and headed into irrelevance)

At first, I was fearful. The track is banked and I don’t like steep things—hills and learning curves and such.

But then I started to get a hang of things. While I weigh more than your average Pro Tour team bus + riders and gear, it seems to matter little on the track. Essentially, I pedal a bit and coast for a while. In other words, it obviates the need for a diet. (See pic for proof.)

Additionally, turning really isn’t that difficult like it is on my TT bike without basebars.

While there are these pesky lines you’re supposed to stay between, if you’re fat enough nobody really cares if you leave your lane—you’re too big to push out of the way and it’s like a fat man on an airplane; simply unfair to restrict him to a single seat.

(I mean, come on! it’s his right to have your eat (Oops, seat. Freudian slip) too. It’s not his fault he’s so fat.)

Anyway, I had a blast and Weisnenhoofen got third, which was sweeter than a Krsipy Kreme donut. (But less sweet than a Timmy Ho’s Maple Leaf, for those in the know like Leibo)

So to honor my love of the track, I’ll be racing most every upcoming Thursday and Tuesday. And NU will be putting on a track meet! (Stay tuned for details.)

In the meantime, head over to for some sweet tunes.


  1. Tristan "forgothisanimalname"July 29, 2010 at 2:31 PM

    Never am I dissatisfied with what you have to say